Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
