youre lurking in front of me
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
