Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
