Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
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Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
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I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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