I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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