In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
