why didn't you poke me back
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
