for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
