Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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