Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
