2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My feet surprised me
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
