last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
