i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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