i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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