paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I want to be your penis for a week.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
