I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
