Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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