just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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