Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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