Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
