it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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