toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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