That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
