we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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