she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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