dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
