Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
