Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
