She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
