I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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