I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
