My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Randomize
