it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
