i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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