i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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