there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
