Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
