Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
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My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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