So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
