i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
