I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I came so hard my ears popped.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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