I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
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Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
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i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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