alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
