I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
