i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
