I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
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Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
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I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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