Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
