I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
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