I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
