I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
