she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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