We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
