The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
