i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
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I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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