i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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