I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
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Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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