i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
