90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
